ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
damn he’s good
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.