me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Monday Lisa
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.