Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You Might Also Like
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Practicing safe sax
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.