Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Taking phone security to the next level.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.