Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Taking phone security to the next level.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.