Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
You Might Also Like
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.