Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Room with a view.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night