me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun