Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.