Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
#parenting
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.