Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Room with a view.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach