Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
You Might Also Like
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
called in thicc to work this morning
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh