Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
he chose this
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support