Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I am, perchance
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting