Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
You Might Also Like
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
me opening up to someone
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.