Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.