Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time