Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
this is literally a CIA plant
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.