Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.