Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
Me: so weird
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.