Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
new record!
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Auto correct is my worst enema.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”