Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
🤣🤣
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser