Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.