me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs