me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators