me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*


You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??


All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…


I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.


Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy


If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”


Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.


How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !


‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat