@TheHyyyype

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

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@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

@AngelaEhh

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

@bryanmcc74

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

@bingowings14

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat