@xLiserx *Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
@TheHyyyype me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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@xLiserx 
@AngelaEhh You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
@TheBoydP All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
@heatherlou_ I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
@agenteo Make your daily standup meeting shorter
@WilliamRodgers Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
@SadPeruna If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
@OhNoSheTwitnt Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
@bryanmcc74 How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
@bingowings14 ‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat