Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
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me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Denise please return my vape pen
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro