me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Things the GOP has battled this week:
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…still more neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are