ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him