Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
BaD BoY!!
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Good Morning.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.