Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Love it! 👍😂

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane