Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”
*Pies are brought to the table.*
Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
he looks great for his age
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
