Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
this came to me in a vision
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…