Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”