Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
three things we don’t talk about
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.