ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me


*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*


A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”


Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent


ME: I love you


ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order


11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …


I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.


My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.