ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one