Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.