Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.