me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
🔦🌙👣
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.