Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.