Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
School be like
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart