Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

selena gomez

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first