ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
You Might Also Like
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.