ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good