Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Worst perfume name ever.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.