Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”