Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Legend 🤣🤣
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.