Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

this site is so cooked lol