me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
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[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
absolutely not