@dave_cactus

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

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@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@HomeWithPeanut

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

@bobvulfov

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

@goldengateblond

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

@ColoradoUgly

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.