ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Who knew!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!