ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
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– hipster sheep
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.