Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Yes my dude
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep