@LindaInDisguise Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
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@LindaInDisguise 
@MarieColette Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
@KateWhineHall [Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
@Demented_Jokes Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
@druuuck NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
@Jenny4ashley Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
@ChicksRule This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
@JervanF I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
@Willie1derful If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
@ReeseButCallMeV I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.