me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
You Might Also Like
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997