Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder