Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy