Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?